Toilet Mastery

When are Children Ready for Toilet Mastery?

When a child’s needs have been adequately met during his first year (fed when he is hungry, provided a regular sleep schedule, cleaned up when his diaper is dirty), he is then ready to take on more of this self-care himself.

Therefore, in their child’s second year, parents should be alert to signs that he is moving in this direction and help him as he takes the steps towards mastery of eating, sleeping, and toileting.

Evidence that he is ready to feed himself is hard to miss: He grabs for the spoon, he puts things in his mouth, and Mom is ready with Cheerios and easily-managed finger foods to help him move ahead in this progression toward self care.

And so it goes for toileting: Near the end of the second year, parents should start watching for signs that the child knows when he is urinating or having a bowel movement and help him accomplish toilet mastery.

Why Do Parents Miss the Signals that the Child is Ready for the Potty?

Two things cause parents problems these days. First is the recent trend toward putting infants on the potty whenever the caregiver sees signs that the baby is about to urinate or have a bowel movement. Of course, this is ecologically correct (less waste in landfills) and saves money in diapers, but exactly who is mastering what?

Parents are the ones who are trained and must be constantly vigilant. No mastery has actually come from the child.

A second problem is the phenomenon of larger and larger (and more and more absorbent) disposable diapers and pull-ups on store shelves.

Seeing these lulls parents into assuming that toilet mastery comes much later than the latter part of the second year. So they are not on the lookout for signs that their child is ready to take this step toward using the potty instead of pull-ups.

What’s Wrong With Waiting Until the Child is 3?

When a child is not helped to move along in this phase of meeting his own needs at the developmentally correct time, the accomplishment of this step when the child is older will be much more difficult.

By the time a child is 3, he is aware that there are other children even younger than he who are using the bathroom, and may wonder if there is something wrong with him when he has not achieved this mastery. Then he may not even want to try, for fear of having this suspicion verified — that there really is something wrong with him.

Another issue here is a child’s pride of mastery. We all recognize the toddler’s movement towards independence – that wonderful demand of “me do it” that signals his growing feeling of being a separate person.

Taking away the opportunity for this big developmental step of toilet mastery is stealing a vital feeling of accomplishment. A child who has experienced this sense of competence as a toddler will have the confidence to try new things and expect success in the many tasks he will face throughout his school career and after.

What are the Signs that the Child is Ready for Toilet Mastery?

Just as parents recognize the child’s behavior that alerts them to stop spoon-feeding and let the child eat independently and enthusiastically, now is the time to look for signs that he is ready for the potty.

Does he know when he is urinating and having a BM? Is he asking to be changed? Is he beginning to identify with the parents’ pleasure of seeing him clean and dry? Does he dislike getting his hands messy? Does he want to be a big boy and do everything the big people do? And does he resist passively lying down for diaper changes?

These are all signs that it’s time for the training pants (not pull-ups; they absorb the urine and deprive the child of that uncomfortable feeling that we want him to reject).

What gets in the way of parents helping with this?

Helping a child achieve these all-important self-masteries can take time and effort as well as provoke feelings of frustration and even anger at the inevitable messes that occur. Parents can sometimes ignore signals, delay helping their child take this step in self-care, reassuring themselves that “no child ever graduated from high school wearing diapers.”

But perhaps they are avoiding what they fear could be occasions for conflict. Maybe they need to keep their child dependent on them, dreading this ultimate step towards independence and the loss of the closeness they had with their baby.

Another more practical problem is parents’ busy schedules. It is so much quicker to get to work in the morning or to get in and out of the grocery store if you don’t have to stop whatever you are doing to find the restroom for your toddler.

What Difference Does it Make When He is Trained?

First, it is so much easier when he is ready and eager to become a big boy who doesn’t need diapers anymore. Then he will be proud to be doing something on his own and it will be his accomplishment.

As he gets older, there can be battles of will with parents and it can become more about the battle than the toileting. Parents need to find the part of the child that wants to grow and be partners with his efforts – not take it on as their job.

When the time is right for him, not just when it’s convenient for the parents, accomplishing these steps towards self-care promote a child’s self-esteem immeasurably; they contribute to his growing sense of competence which will stand him in good stead in all his school years and throughout life.

Image courtesy of John Kasawa/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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    Preparing your child for kindergarten

    At one time, being ready for kindergarten meant knowing your name, address and phone number, being able to print your name, counting up to a certain number, reciting the alphabet in order and even tying your shoes.

    These are helpful accomplishments, but in reality they have little to do with “readiness” for learning in a school setting.

    Parents are a child’s first teachers, and they have all the tools needed to have him ready and eager to learn in an environment away from home, and from a teacher who isn’t also a caregiver. No special kits, flashcards or materials as-seen-on-TV are necessary.

    In the everyday life of a family, parents guide children through many milestones that are part of being school-ready. These include:

    Self-care: You won’t be with him, so his bodily needs (eating, using the toilet, dressing, wanting to be clean) will be up to him. So take advantage as he shows signs of wanting to “do it myself.” As he tries to be more independent, you can encourage each small step and admire his efforts. A child who can do for himself in a new environment can be less dependent on others – and is freer to focus on taking in and using new concepts.

    Communication: Your child will be ready for school when he can tell others what he needs, when he needs help and what he doesn’t understand. Encourage him to use words at home to let you know what he wants and how he feels. Help him put into words how he feels when he looks sad or acts angry.

    When he is curious about his world and asks questions, try to take the time to answer him simply. His “Why?” and “What’s a …?” curiosity will make him an eager learner at school. The ability to communicate at school will keep the learning tasks focused. It will help him avoid getting sidetracked with interfering behaviors of acting out or shutting down from the frustration of not understanding or not being understood.

    Being part of a group: Being able to play comfortably with others his age will help greatly when he is at school. As you observe your child playing with others, watch for his ability to wait for a turn and share materials. If he has difficulty with this, help him see how the fun he’d been having was spoiled because he made his playmate feel bad by grabbing, pushing in front or not sharing.

    Help him want to be liked and to see his role in whether things go well and if he and his friends are having fun. When he can use more inner controls to behave in a friendly way – rather than always needing outer discipline – he will feel good about himself and have more positive energy for learning and making good relationships.

    “Missing” feelings: It’s normal to miss Dad, Mom and home, but these feelings do not need to overwhelm your child. Point out to him all of the things he can do already because he worked hard and practiced. Tell him how proud you are of all the ways he shows you that he is growing up. Let him know that you will be missing him, too; that his school is a place you know about and like. Hopefully, you and he will be able to visit the school, his room and teacher before the first day. If he has seen his room and met his teacher with you, it serves to put your “stamp of approval” on it and he can feel that he is “safe.”

    If you do visit his room, you can point out some of the activities he is already familiar with, such as the blocks, puzzles and some of the art materials. Remembering doing some of them at home with you will help him be able to do things at school when you’re not with him.

    There may be set-backs. He may have been in other programs where there were extended separations, but this is different and it may bring up those “missing” feelings again. At home, be prepared to listen and give your child the opportunity to express the worries and frustrations he may have.

    Admire the way he could tell you and let you help with his feelings. Let him know you have missed him, too, but feel so proud of all the good growing up he’s shown he can do. The more confidence you have in him, the more confident he can be.

    Image courtesy of Photostock/FreeDitigalPhotos.net

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      A formula for a perfect kids’ summer

      Warm, sunny days! Aren’t they great after having been cooped up all winter? Everyone is so ready for fresh air and freedom.

      And freedom is what we grandmothers wish for your young children during spring and summer.

      Yes, we know we must be concerned for their safety and we understand that the work week continues for most parents. But please, we implore you, try to provide some sense of freedom and independence for them this summer.

      Take advantage of this time – when some routines change and nature beckons – to make this all-too-short season a time of growth and happiness.

      The rules

      At the start of the outdoor play season, think about the ground rules that are appropriate for your children now; they can do so much more than they did last year. Decide how to set the limits that will allow a young child to realize how much he has grown, how competent he is becoming.

      Figure out the boundaries that will allow you to be comfortable without having to be constantly on guard. “You can ride your trike as far as Mrs. Smith’s house, then turn around and come back.” How exciting is that for the 3-year-old who couldn’t even ride the trike last year?

      And for the 5-year-old: “You can walk around the block to your friend’s house; just call me when you get there.” She will feel as adventurous as if she had gone to the moon.

      Even the toddler will feel like a big boy when you get him out of the stroller and give him a paper bag to fill with his discoveries as you walk slowly to the vacant lot down the street.

      Using the things he picks up to make a collage, or sorting them into an egg carton when you return home, extends the sense of discovery even further.

      The freedom

      When you go to the playground, don’t stop your children from challenging themselves in new ways. Children need to try new and harder things – climbing higher, jumping further, pumping their legs to make the swing go without Mommy or Daddy always pushing them.

      If at all possible, provide a safe, enclosed place in your yard where your children can play without your constant supervision. Sure, you’ll check on them from time to time, but the main idea is to let them make up their own activities and allow lots of time for their play.

      Ideally, this is a place where they can make a mess with water, dirt, sand and weeds to mix into a mud pie.

      Ideally, there is some place where they can pretend they are in a hideaway or fort or ship. Use your own imagination to provide the basics, but allow plenty of leeway for them to use their imaginations—you won’t believe what they come up with.

      Anything with water: Help Daddy wash the car, run through the sprinkler, “paint” the side of the house or a wall with a bucket of water and a real paint brush. And how about bubbles? They can provide hours of experimentation using kitchen utensils. Visit Bubblesphere to find a recipe for the best bubble mixture and for ideas of items to use to make different kinds.

      The props

      Anything you can do to help your children experience nature will help them grow in appreciation of our wonderful world.

      Planting a garden, putting up a bird feeder, walking in the woods at a nature center, feeding the ducks at a duck pond, or going to a spot where they can see and experience our Great Lake: these are all experiences that will enrich them now and throughout their lives.

      One last thing: try to remember what made summers wonderful for you when you were little. Maybe you can’t remember back to toddler and preschool age, but go back as far as you can.

      When you recall the whole family riding bikes together to get ice cream on long summer evenings; when you experience again the thrill of climbing what you thought was a huge tree; when you remember how you and your best friend spent hours under the back porch making pretend meals in battered old pots and pans, you’ll realize what opportunities you should provide for your children so their summer will be one of pleasure, discovery and satisfying growth.

      Image courtesy of Chris Roll/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

       

       

       

       

       

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        Noticing – everything, that is

        noticing_ stockimages_freedigitalphotos“He didn’t even notice!”

        We often dismiss our young children’s observational skills this way. Did our young daughter notice that she was the only white (or black) child on the playground? Of course not! Did our son happen to observe that all the women in the shower room were naked? Didn’t seem to. How about the man without legs in the wheelchair? Well, she started to stare, but we distracted her and she forgot all about it.

        “Well, he didn’t say anything.”

        Perhaps we think that children don’t notice these things simply because they fail to comment. Or perhaps we are eager to believe that they don’t notice physical differences such as race or handicap or gender paraphernalia because these subjects make us squirm and we aren’t sure we have the words to adequately talk about them. And of course we would like to think of our children as wholly innocent and accepting, as little Adams and Eves in the blissful Eden of their lives. So we happily hope that they don’t notice.

        “Of course, he notices everything else.”

        But all of us who have tried to walk with a young child from here to there know full well that she notices and wants to touch every bug and blade of grass and passing dog, that the only thing she doesn’t notice, in fact, is how late it is getting as she explores and investigates. So why would we possibly think she wouldn’t observe something so eye-catching and noticeable as breasts or skin color or legs that end at the thigh?

        “So maybe she does notice.

        She certainly does. Her job is noticing and she’s a lot better at it than we are. But either because she doesn’t have the language at her disposal yet, or because through our reaction (which she is the world’s foremost expert at noticing) we have indicated that she is not to comment, she does not. So we smile and say, “She didn’t even notice!”

        Meanwhile, we may be failing to notice the child’s eyes growing round as silver dollars, and/or her somewhat unusual behaviors afterward as she tries to make sense of what she’s seen. For example, does the only white child on the playground start coloring her hands and face with magic markers? Does the boy exposed to the shower room begin popping in on us when we are dressing and bathing, though he never did before? And does the child who saw the man in the wheelchair start becoming hysterical at the slightest bump or skinned knee?

        “So what is he thinking?”

        When we don’t notice and help them out, children must draw on their limited previous experience and their primitive logic in order to make sense of their observations. The conclusions they come to might not only be erroneous, but frightening in their implications. (If I change my skin color, will I be as tough and strong as Joshua? Is there something wrong with my body because it is missing all that hair between my legs? Did it get that way because I did something wrong? If that man in the wheelchair is sick, is his sickness catching? Will I lose my legs too if I touch him or even go near him?)

        “How do I encourage their questions?”

        Physical differences exist in our children’s homes, of course, and we make a choice early on about whether or not, and to what degree, to shield him from them. Children who start seeing family members’ naked bodies at an early age will notice, and may be full of questions – spoken and unspoken. How much better to answer these questions ourselves, sometimes over and over again, rather than leave our children to draw their own faulty conclusions.

        Sometimes we have no clues except our children’s behavior to guide us, and interpretation can be difficult. But maybe our son has started gawking at us as we undress in a way that makes us feel self-conscious. Or maybe our daughter looks alarmed when she sees the man in the wheelchair, and grabs tightly at our hand. We have to do our own vigilant noticing, and when we sense that one of these “noticing” situations may have become overwhelming or confusing for our child, start asking our own questions. Are you wondering about breasts, and why some people have them and some people don’t? Are you worried about that man we saw in the wheelchair? Gradually their questions will emerge, as you talk together about what they’ve seen.

        Sometimes we would actually prefer that our children not notice, because we’re fearful that their questions could occur in public. Heaven forbid that in some quiet waiting room she might ask in her high, piercing voice, “Mommy, is that man going to have a baby? Look how fat his tummy is!” When that happens we can only smile wanly, whisper to her that we’ll answer her question later, and hope that the man with the paunch has a sense of humor. Later we can explain about women being the only ones who get pregnant, and maybe also introduce the idea of sensitivity about other people’s feelings. We will in no way scold her for her questions, however, but encourage her to ask more.

        It’s worth the risk. Notice what your children are noticing, because they most certainly are.

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          Promoting self-esteem

          “GOOD JOB!!!”
          The heading on the sheet of stickers says “100 Ways to Say ‘Good Job!’”, and then all 100 – from “Awesome” to “Zero Mistakes” – appear with accompanying smiley faces and abundant exclamation points. These are sold to teachers as self-esteem promoters. Everyone, especially the children, knows them to be artificial at best. But at least they are evidence of the general awareness that self-esteem is important.

          But self-esteem is not so easily created, and certainly not when imposed from an external source. Self-esteem by definition has to grow from within. Students who receive praise for work they know to be less than their best feel worse about themselves, in fact, not better, to hear a perfunctory “Good job!” Older students feel dismissed, unworthy of a more time-consuming and honest critique of their efforts. Younger ones just feel vaguely guilty.

          The source of self-esteem
          Self-esteem is created not by stickers but by daily loving care, and from birth. Infants learn to love their own bodies as their small selves are fed, cleansed, soothed, valued, whatever hour of the day or night it might be.

          Toddlers achieve self-esteem by beginning to care for their own bodies during the stressful “Me do it!” years, when parents find themselves being continually pulled between hovering over their child to prevent him from drinking out of the cat’s dish and waiting the extra half-hour it takes to permit him to brush his own teeth, button his own buttons.

          By age 3 or 4 he may not require constant vigilance any more, but now his self-esteem hinges on his pleasing others by learning to obey all those rules of good behavior: sharing, taking turns, and resisting the urge to crayon on the walls or smack his sister with a toilet brush. Constantly the parent or other caregiver is there – as Erna Furman, a child analyst with a deep Hanna Perkins association, and author of several books on child development, wrote – first “doing for,” then “doing with,” and finally “standing by to admire” until the child is ready to do by and for himself.

          The trap of phony praise
          It is in this last “standing by to admire” stage that it’s easy to fall into the phony “Good job!” trap. If the admiration is sincere, the child senses that. If he distrusts the praise, however, he will feel not encouraged but manipulated. And if he grows to depend on the adult for confirmation that he’s done a “good job,” then he has not gained in self-esteem.

          Sometimes, in fact, words are unnecessary. If a child is absorbed in a project he might well feel interrupted, even patronized, if an adult bursts into his castle building, dinosaur drawing or playclay modeling with effusive burbles and coos. “Standing by to admire” can sometimes mean just smiling and nodding, and then going about one’s business as the child continues with his, permitting his satisfaction to come from within.

          If words are called for, however, a better choice than “Good job!” might such praise as: “You must feel good about being able to climb up to the top of that climber. You have been working hard at that. Last week you had to stop half-way up and now you’re at the very top.”

          The child will benefit from hearing what exactly is being admired, and also from reflecting on how he feels about his accomplishment – not how the adult feels. You certainly don’t want him to start doing a “good job” only to win your praise; he then might be just as likely to start intentionally disappointing you if he is angry.

          Obstacles to self-esteem
          But what if he sincerely tries, and sincerely fails? What if the climber is just too high, the puzzle is simply too difficult, his drawing of a dog persists in looking like a drawing of a duck, and he comes to the caregiver wailing his discouragement?

          Then the admiring adult is called upon to notice the effort and intent, the tiny steps that might in time lead to an accomplishment of the difficult task, and admire those. In fact, the parent has every reason to admire persistence and patience more than the completion of a tricky puzzle – and the child will recognize that conviction, and be reassured by, “Try again tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be a little easier. Or maybe the day after that. Soon you will be able to do that puzzle.”

          And then there’s the matter of what you say when the first words that pop into your head aren’t “Good job!” but “Terrible job!”

          The toys he promised to pick up are still scattered all over the floor, he woke up the baby with a sneaky pinch, he gave himself a disastrous haircut with the scissors he wasn’t supposed to touch. If you tell him of your displeasure, will he have a permanently damaged self-esteem? Of course not.

          In fact, the spirit of “terrible job” – although perhaps not those exact words – is the message you want to convey, as opposed to “terrible kid.”

          If you can keep your wits about you, you might follow the format recommended for admiring his successes: Tell him exactly what he did that distressed you, and then suggest that probably he feels bad about what he did and will feel better if he can make amends somehow. And then help him find a way to do that.  He could get to work picking up those toys, or give the baby a cup of juice or a cracker to make up for having disturbed her, or sweep up the hair that’s scattered all over the floor.

          Parents’ self-esteem
          Our own self-esteem is involved in whether or not our child can climb to the top of the climber, finish that puzzle, or go all day without pooping in his pants.

          We would do well to remind ourselves that while our approval or disapproval is enormously important to our children, we should seek to gain our own self-esteem not through their accomplishments but through helping them own their own successes and failures, without looking to us for the ultimate judgment.

          As Mrs. Furman so aptly put it, “Our self-esteem can rise with the thought, ‘I helped him toward becoming his own person and liking himself.’”

          Image courtesy of Marin/Freedigitalphotos.net

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            Coaching and Modeling Good Behavior

            Promoting civil behavior in children

            grandpa_imagerymajestic_freedigitalphotos“We’d love to have you visit us but whatever you do don’t bring any preschoolers with you,” a grandfather remarked at a dinner party one evening.

            It seems he had been visited by his children and grandchildren and was still reeling from the event. “They never listened, didn’t want to do anything, were picky about the food and got into arguments about toys,” he continued. “Kids today are like that.”

            How agonizing it must be for loving parents, so invested in their children’s well being to feel as though friends or relatives are not enthusiastic about an upcoming visit.

            How very puzzling and sad it must be for a preschool child to get the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) message that he is a nuisance or, heaven forbid, not liked very much.

            So what is causing the grandparent mentioned above to express such negative reactions? What is missing in the wealth of rich opportunities we are now able to provide our children. How can we include thoughtfulness about and respect for others? Where can we find the balance between encouraging our children to become confident and assertive and, at the same time, sensitive and respectful of others?

            Parents today are very aware of children’s needs and often bend over backwards to understand and pay attention to them. This generation of parents sacrifices itself to be sure children have opportunities for many and varied experiences.

            Participation in their children’s activities is taken for granted and children are always included in family events. The idea that children should be seen and not heard has been dispatched to the trash bin of yesteryear’s unenlightened parenting.

            However, while working hard to make the world a child-friendly place we have often allowed it to become child dominated.

            Good behavior is learned behavior

            We all know that one learns to love by being loved. It could also be said that a child learns respect and appreciation for others by having those responsible for him appreciate and respect him. Not only does he absorb these characteristics from the behavior of those around him but also through the coaching he experiences from toddlerhood on through preschool.

            But how then, do we model appreciation and respect and what are some of the ways we can coach our toddlers and preschoolers to be civil? How can we prepare them to behave in age appropriate ways outside the home and when do we begin?

            An example of modeling might be this story of a young mother visiting friends. As lunch was put on the table, two and a half year old Sarah loudly exclaimed, “I don’t like chunky peanut butter. I only like creamy peanut butter!”

            To some, such assertiveness seems rude. To others, the assertiveness is admirable. How wonderful if the mother can quietly coach Sarah by gently saying, “Mrs. Smith made these sandwiches especially for this lunch. Could you try one?”

            Should Sarah object, a glass of milk will be just fine. A missed lunch won’t harm her and she can be reassured they will have a little lunch when they are back home. Here, Sarah can observe her mother’s behavior, hear her words and the tone she uses, feel her respect for their hostess and at the same time experience Mom’s acknowledgement that she prefers smooth peanut butter to chunky.

            Preparation for difficult situations

            Since young children change significantly as they grow from toddlers to preschoolers we can think about the challenge of sharing and the importance of preparation. We can also consider what words and actions might avoid unnecessary confrontations. Preparation doesn’t necessarily hold up with toddlers because when the “chips are down” and a friend grabs his favorite toy he will react.

            But this shouldn’t discourage us from saying a few preparatory words. They might go something like this, “Jason is coming. He likes trucks. Let’s make sure there are trucks to play with.”

            Now, when the upset occurs, and it will, we can move in calmly, acknowledge that they both like trucks and then distract them with things to put in the trucks or with boxes into which they can park them. This is respectful of the fact they are only 2 years old.

            Since our toddler is egocentric and able to think of things only from his own point of view, the abstract idea that Jason has feelings is not yet within his understanding. Our approach to the situation gives a clear message of respect and benevolence. He is absorbing our demeanor, and this is the beginning of helping him think of others.

            As our toddler gets older and he can now keep in his head other times when he has played with his friend Jason, we can begin to help him share.

            For starters we can prepare our 3- or 4-year-old for an upcoming visit and help him think ahead. Recognizing his attachment to certain toys and respecting that, we might say, “Jason and his Mom are coming over this afternoon. I know it’s sometimes hard for you to let him play with some of your toys. Last time he really wanted to play with your dump truck. Can you let him play this time or should we put it away?”

            This is not only knowing about your child and his developmental level but respects how attached he is to his special toys. It is also giving him some control over what will happen.

            Showing respect

            Important also is how we listen to our children if we expect them to listen to and respect us.

            One of the examples of how we might model expected behaviors might be the way in which we use the phone. We might forego answering our phones if our child is in the middle of a serious conversation with us. Calls can be returned later but concentrating on our child now gives him the message that we think what he’s saying is important. Also, answering our phones when we are on the phone with someone else should be avoided. Children watch.

            Another opportunity is when we are in a group of guests and our young children burst into the room in the full bloom of an argument demanding that it be settled. It helps everyone to quietly excuse ourselves and find a private place to talk, rather than embarrassing everyone by flooding the room with anger and demeaning words.

            It is respectful of the guests and of the children. It models for the children how and when to talk about conflicts and where to do it in the most appropriate ways. We can gently coach children not to interrupt or at least to say, “Excuse me,” when something can’t wait. Gradually, it is our hope that the kids will learn to wait when we are in conversations with other adults just as we, in turn, will wait until after their friends have left to discuss potentially embarrassing issues with them.

            All this is not easy given the current themes on TV, the computer games and in the movies where being assertive, interrupting one another and rudeness appear acceptable.

            Often the popular movies include kids with quick, smart-sounding back-talk, which is not limited to their peers but includes adults. As with other themes in movies and on TV, we can watch with our young children and point out that what is done in the movies isn’t always the kind of thing that shows respect and thoughtfulness of others. We can talk about how we might all feel if someone talked to us in those words.

            If we begin the process of coaching our children in toddlerhood perhaps, in adulthood they might be able to listen when people are talking before talking themselves. Perhaps they will begin to be more aware of the needs of the people around them.

            Perhaps then grandfather will say, “Do come visit, and be sure you bring your wonderful preschoolers with you.” And perhaps these children will contribute to a more civil society as they grow.

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              Leaving children for the weekend

              No matter how laid-back the parents of young children are, they sometimes need a weekend get-away to take a break, tend to out-of-town family matters, attend a function where spouses are invited, etc.

              When this need arises for the first time, they might have some concerns – especially if their child already fusses when a sitter comes for just the evening.

              If the sitter can be someone your child already knows, such as an extended family member or good friend, so much the better.  There is already a relationship forming and the sitter knows some of the family routines and where to find things.

              However, if none of these options is available you may have to choose a sitter your child has never met, but has good references and is recommended by someone whose judgment you trust. As parents, you will want to meet her and interview her before she comes to your house to meet your child.

              Preparing for departure

              Not too far ahead of the time you leave, you will want to tell your child of your upcoming plans and who will be staying with him/her while you’re away.

              Your child will probably protest and won’t understand why she cannot go with you.  She will feel angry and left out.  The best way to get over left-out feelings is to have your child be a part of the planning. For example:

              • She can help you pick out the clothing she will wear while you’re gone and put it in a special place.
              • She can be a part of planning the menus for the meals she and the sitter will have together.
              •  She can pick out the games she might like to play with the sitter.
              •  You could take her to the library to pick out some new books they can read together.
              •  She could help make a plan for an outing while Mom and Dad are gone – the park/playground, the zoo, a movie suitable for young children.

              As for you, Parents:  Even though there may be protesting that makes you feel guilty about leaving your unhappy child, don’t be tempted to try to sugarcoat the feeling by telling her about all the fun things she’ll be doing with the sitter while you’re gone. Instead sympathize with her and tell her the things you’ll do to help take the sting out of her missing feelings. For instance:

              • It would be very helpful if you would leave short notes for your child to read – one for each morning you’re gone and one for each evening.
              • Making a plan for a telephone call each day you’re gone will reassure her that you’re thinking of her.
              • Suggest that she draw some new pictures for the refrigerator to show Mom and Dad when you come home.
              • Leave a picture of the family together for her to look at so that she will have a tangible connection when she feels the “missing” the most.

              When she can still feel “connected” she is less likely to be sad and angry because of a left-out feeling.

              Time to leave

              When the leaving day arrives, you as parents hope you’ve thought of everything – notes for the sitter, the name, number and address of where you’ll be beside the telephone. The bags are packed and in the car. The sitter has come and already has your child engaged in the game or book you suggested. You look at each other and are tempted to sneak out without saying “goodbye” and risking an upset.

              Don’t you dare! When your child finds that you have gone without a hug or goodbye, she will really feel abandoned. It’s better to go to her, tell her you are leaving and give her your hugs. Tell her you will call her at the time that was arranged and now she and the sitter can finish the story or game. There will probably be tears, but you know that you and she will live through them.

              Let me tell you a true story that one of our Grannies told about when she stayed with her 4 1/2-year-old granddaughter while her parents were on a trip.

              It was bedtime. They had called and after they hung up, she was crying on her bed. I said, “Oh, Jadey, I know how hard it is to have Mommy and Daddy away. Would you like me to read to you before you go to sleep?” She raised herself up on her elbows and cried out, “NO – I just want to lie here and miss my Mommy and Daddy!” and she again flopped down on her tummy.  Jadey’s Granny reminds us that “We all want to do that at different times in our lives – well beyond 4 or 5 years of age.

              Coming home

              So, you did it.  You spent a weekend away and feel refreshed for it even though the planning felt endless. Don’t be surprised if, after the first hugs and kisses when you return home, they are followed by signs of your child ignoring you. She might even find a reason to become angry with you about something. Maybe the gift you brought her was “dumb.”  Maybe what you’re preparing for dinner smells “yucky.” She might fuss about going to bed because “it’s not fair” that you get to stay up later.

              This reaction is pretty normal for a young child who has had to “suck it up” and stay with a sitter overnight for the first time. She felt left out then, now it’s your turn.

              All of the careful planning and good preparation in the world can’t make up for the fact that you left her behind and had fun without her.

              Image courtesy of Rawitch/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

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                Birthday parties – a little bit of sanity please

                “Happy Birthday, dear Billy…” oh no…the candles are burning and everyone is singing, but Billy is definitely not a happy birthday boy.  In fact, tears are rolling down his cheeks and the wish he’s making as he blows out the candles is for everyone to just go away and let him play with that cool truck in the pile of presents.

                How could it be that this perfectly planned event was not a wonderful experience for the honoree?  It was held at a special location, which specializes in kids’ parties.  All fifteen children from Billy’s preschool class plus his 10 cousins were invited and there were lots of exciting things for kids to run around and do.   There was a magician to entertain them, pizza, a special cake, and a piñata to whack away at.  What more could a child possibly want?  Well, yes, maybe a pony for everyone to ride—but that’s for next year.

                WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? In our modern, competitive world, many birthday parties for young children have become occasions for keeping up with—or even outdoing—other parents. “Ashley’s party was so lovely; the girls and their mothers went to a fancy hotel for a fashion show—whatever can we do to compare with that?”

                Children’s parties can also become social events for the adults, either as a way to entertain friends or to gather the extended family for a reunion.  In both of these instances, the focus is on the adults and the children may get lost in the shuffle, either to run amok unsupervised or to have too much attention showered upon them when they are unsure of what they are expected to do.

                Perhaps parents want to feel that they have done everything to make their children’s lives as perfect as possible.  In our fast-paced world, parents may feel guilty that they are not giving their children the time and attention they should and so try to make it up to them by throwing a grand and glorious birthday party.

                Similarly, in the hurried world of two working parents, Mom may think, “why should I have all these kids running through my house making a big mess to clean up?  If we have the party at Chuck E. Cheese, I can have the rest of the weekend to get other chores done.”

                All these are possible explanations for the overdone, inappropriate, chaotic birthday parties we see.  If only parents would examine their motives as they plan for this important milestone in their child’s life, perhaps the scenario would be a different one.

                WHAT TO DO? First of all, think of everything from your child’s perspective.  How old is she?  One easy rule of thumb is to invite the same number of children as the age of the child, so three guests are perfect for your three year old’s party.  Send cupcakes to the pre-school to celebrate with all the classmates; let the actual party be a private one which will be a pleasure for your child only if it is kept at a size which she can manage.  Similarly, plan on a manageable length of time, two hours is plenty.   Be sure to state the hours on the invitation so everyone knows just what to expect.

                Second, remember that the simplest things are new and wonderful to young children.  Think of what your child loves to do.  If he is a nature lover, go to the nearby park and have a simple scavenger hunt for acorns, bird feathers, and yes, even a piece of litter (can’t start too early with cleaning up the environment—and, of course, you brought hand-wipes to clean them up afterwards).  If it’s a nice day, spread a cloth on a picnic table and ice some cupcakes, have some lemonade, play a few games, and go home.  Oh yes, the goody bag: a little ladybug toy and a few pieces of your child’s favorite candy are a nice souvenir of the day.

                If she would love to have a tea party, invite the guests to bring their dolls and provide all the makings of a pretend tea party at home.  The children could make the sandwiches and, of course, pour the pretend tea (lemonade with a touch of tea for color) for themselves and their dolls.  A fun craft activity, such as a picture frame, for the photo you take of each girl with her doll, would be a nice favor for guests to take home.

                What to do with those boys when it’s bad weather?  How about the scavenger hunt indoors?  Hide items, which go along with your party theme, around the house.  Play a beanbag toss game or rig up a balance beam for the junior Olympians to walk across.  Get some scraps of wood for them to glue together and paint or show the DVD of some old (short) cartoons that you loved as a child.  Let the boys make their own pizzas or string cubes of fruit on bamboo sticks for kabobs.

                When there are fewer children and the activities are based on reality rather than overly stimulating fantasy, there is less random running around and everyone is calmly involved. When you think of themes for the party for children who might become over-excited, choose the real vs. fantasy, for example:  astronauts, the circus  (without the wild lion), the Olympics, or explorers digging for hidden treasure but nothing about ferocious, scary things. When parents don’t take on too much and the party is planned with the child’s best interests in mind, it will be just as pleasant for them as it is for the child.  Not to mention the easier cleanup when there are not hordes of kids running rampant through the house.

                The planning and preparation are as much fun for the birthday child as the party itself, so involve her as much as possible.  Picking out the invitations and decorations at the dollar store or making them yourselves, making the cake, setting the table and filling the goody bags are all major ingredients of a memorable occasion for a child.

                Some kids can take being a party host in stride, but others may need you to go over the entire scenario before the event so they know exactly what will happen when and pretty much what they will be expected to do and say.  When you plan the Birthday Party taking into account your child his age and interests you will find its economically sane and results in less clean up and a happy child.  Save the elaborate party for the wedding reception.

                Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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                  How young children learn to protect themselves

                  Every day brings new reports of adults in some position of responsibility who take advantage of the trust that children place in them.

                  All of us have to worry about our children’s safety, and it’s easy to wonder what we should be doing to safeguard them from predators.

                  Parents of school-age children can talk about the importance of speaking up whenever anything feels uncomfortable. Parents of adolescents can talk even more directly with them about sexual assualt.

                  However, dealing with the issue of self-protection with preschool children is very different.

                  We want to caution parents against scaring or confusing very young children with lectures about not speaking to strangers, or protecting themselves against improper advances from anyone other than Mommy, Daddy or grandparents.

                  These messages can be utterly confusing to little children. It can be scary and upsetting, and can cause them to overreact in many ways.

                  For instance, they can become afraid of going to sleep, of the dark, of speaking to anyone. They can become overly excited and engage in mutual sexual play; or pretend to go looking for imaginary molesters, which shows that they are acting out what they are trying to understand.

                  Needing to protect oneself is a big responsibility that young children cannot possibly take on by themselves. We must be with them at all times, or place them in the care of family members or someone who has been checked out thoroughly and found to be completely trustworthy.

                  But there are things parents can do to help young children resist the advances of people who want to take advantage of them – though children need a long time to achieve mastery of the care and protection of their bodies.

                  They learn these skills by observing the things we parents do every day.

                  For example, they observe how we behave with strangers, who we talk to and who we avoid.

                  A young child goes from being totally cared for by his parents to wanting to do things for himself: feeding, washing, toileting, and dressing himself. And parents welcome this evidence that he is growing up and wants privacy and control over his own body.

                  Here is what Barbara Streeter, Education Director of the Hanna Perkins School, says about helping children protect themselves:

                  “What protects a child best is a sense of self-worth, an ability to know when he is being treated disrespectfully, and a sense that he has the right and ability to defend himself.”

                  To help a child develop those attributes and abilities, Streeter offers the following thoughts:

                  • Always treat the child with respect, physically and emotionally.
                  • Listen to and observe what he likes/dislikes and respond accordingly.
                  • Protect her from intrusions of other adults – such as unwanted kisses, hugs, tickles, jokes, teases, insensitive doctors, salesmen, etc.
                  • Support a child’s “no” to others when spoken or communicated non-verbally.
                  • Assist a child in finding ways to defend himself when playmates and siblings are unkind in any way.
                  • Show respect for – and support – a child’s need for privacy and control over what gets done to his body (eating, toileting, dressing, administering medications, etc.).
                  • Avoid activities that make a child feel helpless (for example, adults overpowering a child by showing off their physical strength or engaging in excessive tickling).
                  • Assist children in developing respect for “personal space”.
                  • Carefully assess any person a child is being left with, and seriously consider any doubts you or the child might have.
                  • Listen to what children have to say; let them know that we don’t automatically assume people in authority are right and they are wrong.

                  When children learn how to protect themselves, it’s not through our lectures or admonitions, but by observing the way their parents respect them and take care of them.

                  It’s a big job, but no one ever said being a parent was easy. We salute you and wish you well in doing that big job.

                  Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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                    A collection of holiday wisdom: All the Grandmothers’ seasonal writings in one location

                    The holidays are a wonderful time of year, but all the excitement and traditions of the season can create stress in young children that grownups, in their own enthusiasm, can easily overlook.

                    Here is a collection of previously published articles by the Hanna Perkins Grandmothers that may help you see the holidays as they really look through a child’s eyes – so you can create the best kind of memories for the young people in your life.

                    • Keeping holidays focused on the children It’s happening again. We’ve all seen it before: A mother rushing along the sidewalk or through the mall, pushing a stroller and holding the hand of a 3-year-old who is pasted along her thigh, half-walking half-trotting in an effort to keep up. The ... Read more
                    • The Santa Question This is a controversial subject, so we’re going to work up to our main point gradually. The Tooth Fairy No parent that we’re aware of takes great pains to protect the true identity of the Tooth Fairy. Maybe that’s because by the time a ... Read more
                    • Handling holiday disappointments Grumpy Ballerina“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” sings Andy Williams over the PA system in Walmart – and as we pile gifts in our shopping cart we halfway believe it. The kid riding in the cart, eyeing the decorated artificial trees and ... Read more
                    • The spirit of giving: How children’s gifts are recieved It was Christmas morning. As the family sat around the little tree, under which was a modest pile of wrapped gifts, Nina could not contain herself. She ran to the tree, pulled her gifts away from the others and distributed them; one for ... Read more
                    • How little ones learn to love giving We Grandmothers are certainly aware that today’s families live in times of “Hurry Up” – that mothers and fathers both work and have to deal with malls filled with gifts of every shape and color. We recognize time is a precious commodity, so ... Read more
                    • Excitement vs. Fun In most circles excitement is a positive word – often considered synonymous with fun. A movie, a television program, even an activity for young children, is praised for being exciting. Using the common definition, the opposite of exciting is boring, and boring is ... Read more
                    • A holiday wish: Simple delight in your children What quality would we Grandmothers most ardently wish for you parents of young children in this final, bustling season of the year? Well OK, you didn’t ask, but we’re going to tell you anyway. Not patience, not insight, not mediation skills, not tolerance for ... Read more

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